I originally posted this as a release in a moment of pure frustration and thus it is not pretty. I was going to edit it but instead decided to post the calm explanation here and leave this as is, with one note. This experience is only one of three I’ve had since my dad was diagnosed last August where I felt truly overwhelmed, the first was when he was diagnosed, the second when it became clear radiation induced optic neuropathy was going to take his sight.
I’m the primary caregiver for my elderly blind father who is dying of lung cancer- I’ll post more that all you need to know for now. I’ll proof read this post later for now it needs to be shared raw.
I hate cancer I hate what it has done to my dad I hate what it done to my life, I hate what happened this night. Last night I had a sexual revelation –I’ll write about it eventually but for now I had to post this as is rare unedited- I wanted to confirming this sexual revelation and I did short almost right as I was reaching my orgasm I could hear it my dads radio one of the few pleasures he has left and life and all I could think about was my care giving duties. All I could think about was cancer and hospital beds and adult incontinence product and steroids and then I could hear my mother television on top of that and then I started to think of all the reasons I hate living at home independent of all the shit with my dad.
Then he called me –he needed me again as I walked out I could hear my brother in the living room (fucking loser) more emotions I was overwhelmed. I tried to do what I had to do as quick as I could –mother comes in to the hall asking questions leave me alone!. I did what I need and went back to my room put on my headphone drowning out the nose I want to cry I want to hit something I want this to be over. The night before had been a revelation a true defining point in my sexual exploration and now in trying to confirm it the memory it is sullied cancer was no longer just a disease my father it was a force in my life violating my most precious moments. One of the most powerful moments of my life and now cancer has intruded upon it violating my sexual pricey, ruining the moment in a most cruel way.
Cancer was no longer something that distracted me from my sexuality; it no longer merely stopped me from retreating in to the inner sanctum of my sexuality; it no longer drew me out of the sanctum to answer phone calls; it wasn’t content in stopping me from sharing this sanctum with another. In this moment it had penetrated the inner sanctum, it had desecrated it, it had violated it.