Awakening or Insanity

In my this post, I mentioned a sexual revelation; I have finally found time to detail it. In the aforementioned post, I detailed how an interrupted masturbation session ended up being a very triggering emotional event for me. Given my life circumstances, I am used to being interrupted and having a general lack of privacy. To understand why being interrupted on that day was such a triggering event; you have to understand the event I was trying to “confirm” during the events of that post. What follows seems so simple on the surface, it is after all when everything is said and done a masturbation story. However, this moment represents a tipping point in my sexual exploration. Multiple strands of thought have been on a collision course ever since this sexual journey started; this moment represents the convergence of these strands.

It started simply enough, I brought this toy and while I was waiting for it to arrive, I found a pdf. copy of the Multi-Orgasmic Man online, downloaded it, and started reading it. I always thought this stuff was all just New Age mumbo-jumbo. However, I decided to give it a chance as I did experience little non-ejaculatory “mini-orgasms” during my first week of anal play. Eventually the toy arrived and I started to experiment with it. It’s not just New Age mumbo-jumbo. I started with the small end it was too thin to be good at thrusting, but I knew that end was meant for more targeted stimulation. Once I got over my fear of the thing, it was my first hard toy so I was being careful, found the right spot and started working it, it felt amazingly good, and I kept working it, until I felt an incredibly powerful non-ejaculatory orgasm work through my body–this was no “mini”. The physical pleasure was a revelation in it of itself but that not what made this event so powerful to me. As I will detail, that moment became the trigger and catalyst for something far greater then itself, but for now let focus on the physical. Once, I got past the failed attempt to confirm this event that I mentioned in my opening paragraph I was able to replicate this event… and then some.

Eventually, I turned the toy around and started using the thick end. I only kept it in for a few seconds the first time, the sensation was so intense. I tried again the next day as I trusted the sensation reached a peak that was not only not a “Mini-orgasm” but if anything longer in duration then any ejaculatory orgasm I’ve had and there was no question about it this was an orgasm. To someone used to having ejaculations and orgasms be synonymous this was difficult to believe but there was no denying what this was. My heart rate increased, my body moved and contracted and boy, how it did… I didn’t take the toy out of my ass. No, the muscular contractions where so powerful it got pushed out of there. The physical revelations didn’t stop there however, knowing what to expect next session I began thrusting in rhythm with the contractions of my orgasm and…well…I’ll let this graph explain it cause I have no words.

This is NOT a myth in men!

These physical discoveries where powerful enough in of themselves to merit a posted entailed “Revelations” but that wasn’t what made this so powerful. Something fundamentally changed in me the day I experienced my first full-powered anal orgasm. Two sets of feelings welled up in me that day one familiar but forgotten, one entirely new.

I’ve already mentioned my fantasy of getting pegged by a women. This changed in that moment, it was longer just a fantasy, I was no longer content with describing it as such; as a hope; as something left to the whims of chance. In that moment things changed in that moment I made the choice:I was going to get pegged by a women; one way or another it was going to happen, I was going to make it happen. In that moment, getting pegged had become a goal.

Taking a step back for a moment, I’ve mentioned I’m the primary caregiver for my elderly father. Ever since my father became ill, I’ve let my life become a series of reactionary maneuvers: he gets sick I makes sure my class schedule lets me take him to and from treatments; he’s legs atrophy I put handrails and a bench in the shower…so on and so forth. Somewhere along the way I lost some of the drive, I once had. I was cognizant of this lost and was attempting to remedy it, however, it was in that moment above, in that declaration of intent, that I could finally feel the spark inside me rekindled. For the first time in months, I could feel the rush I had once know. I was being assertive, decisive, confidence, pro-active, determined, driven. The fire, the sear force of will, for the first time in months I was starting to feel like me again. That was the familiar but forgotten sensation, now onto the new.

Obviously, I had set goals for myself before; you do not get in to graduate school by chance alone. However, this was different for the first time in my life I was setting a sexual goal. I was serious about this goal and thus had to treat it like any other goal that meant I was going to use the whole battery of my abilities to achieve my desired end. This was when the fundamental shift began. When I made that declaration, I could feel an energy, a force long restrained envelope me. The unnecessary constraints placed on my sexuality, the walls erected around it by society’s meaningless, needless rules; by my parents; by my Roman Catholic upbringing; had finally shattered. I could feel new connections begin to form as the power of my own sexuality was permeating the whole of my being. My intelligence and reason, my amassed skills and abilities, my empathy and sprit where no longer separate entities from my sexuality. For the first time I could feel all these elements of my being singing in concert with one another, converging upon their now common goal.

It didn’t stop there, in the days that followed I threw myself into my graduate work with renewed vigor; this wasn’t a coincidence. Having such a raw powerful force now fully integrate into my being, its effects didn’t stop at the bedroom door. This moment also amplified every belief and convection I have about the topic of sex. This is was the most powerful revelation of all, never have I been so absolutely convinced about the power of sex and sexuality then in this moment.

It was a triangulation of three events that set me on this path of sexual exploration⁽¹⁾. If the net effect of those 3 moments made me an initiate in the Order of the Sexual Jedi then this moment is what elevated me to sexual padawan⁽²⁾. In short, it was in that moment, the moment when anal play become catharsis, that my awakening had reached its next level.

1. I’ve only written about the first as of now [↩]
2. Just for the record, I looked up the Jedi ranks on Wikipedia before posting I am not so big a nerd as to know that off the top of my head [↩]

~ by namelesschaos on Tuesday, September 8, 2009.