The Mamma Nazi

Most in the sex toy review blogosphere probably know about the banning of Epiphora from EF, for no good reason. Given that EF employees have made not so veiled references to this review . It was taken down but Google cached saves the day, as an aside nothing escapes all seeing Google! Ceiling cat? That is in fact a carefully camouflaged Google cam. Thought you should known. Where was I? Yes let us look at EF and the ever changing definition of useful. Definition of useful for mere mortals.

EF employee #1:

800 words should be plenty for most reviews

EF employee #2:

There is a reason the standard template has a word limit of 800.

ER employee #3:

A single paragraph or 6 lines is fine. If you’re using the regular one, 350-400 words should sum it up well.

Now let look at the “review”, listed above 1231 words when I put it in to word but what is this…. looking at just the words between the title and the first mention of the toy in the review… And what do we get 660. Literally we have to get thought over half of the review before the first mention of the product in the text of the “review”. Totally the same standards, only on-site reviewers are expected to mention the product and review it in near or even under that but totally the same.

But of course that just the blogger “voice” speaking just an “honest” opinion by a real person. Yes because I honestly think let me review the store I brought it from for half of the review of a product that is totally how I honestly review. I totally believe 660 words all positive about the store sponsoring the “review” was an honest manifestation of their voice. I mean just the other day a friend asked me how was the movie Avatar and I went on for 50  minutes about how great the theater chain was. Or yesterday when someone asked me who was eliminated on Top Chef master and I e-mailed a 1000 word essay on how wonderful the representations of gay characters on the Bravo network is before adding it was Jody Adams. Just an expression of my individuality.

However this wonderful expression of individuality, that sounds oddly like a PR release, has a down side…it clear what is on the horizon… a dark force know as the Momma Nazi. You see while separate now it is only matter before the Review Nazi and the Mommy Blogger merge and into one hybrid horror. This unstoppable force will write ten page reviews the first 5 pages of which will be giving EF the electronic equivalent of a long hands-free, deep throat, blowjob followed by  5 pages of detail products schematics, the schematics will be so details manufactures will E-mail her when they want to know about their own product. The review will end with one sentence: “and oh it can make you cum too”. EF will deny any responsibility for creating the Mamma Nazi.

The Mamma Nazi’s reviews will be written in a layout and format that will cause massive ocular pain to all who witness it. Thousands will be sent to the ophthalmologist for treatment, this review shall be ranked “extremely useful”  by all Edenfantasys staff, as causing physical pain is totally an irrelevant factor in evaluating the usefulness of an object. (Also rating your own marketing gimmick up… classy.) Just as formatting is never a consideration in any assignment or media, which is why style guides never mention these things. I mean if their child got a bad grade because the teacher couldn’t read what they wrote I’m totally sure they would march right in to that evil English teachers office and shout layout has “no bearing on the quality” of my child’s work change child’s grade immediately!

After conducting extensive researchers, scientists will see the correlation between sudden eye problems and EF causing them to reverse their previous conclusion and determine that masturbation does in fact lead to blindness. All sex shops shall be shut down and masturbation will be labeled a threat to public health. Behold the dark future that awaits!

Or

Maybe instead of my Mamma Nazi apocalypse scenario EF could cut the fuck bullshit and stop trying to pretend that a company review is the same as a product review…no wait I take that back that a company’s promotional gimmick is the same as an honest review. You see a company review has the chance to be negative; somehow I doubt that I will ever see an “honest “ review of this type end with but “GoodVibrations is totes better” or have a section labeled “Cons :rips off sex bloggers.” You see I’m an adult I can handle you want to make money, I really can I can handle you recruiting mommy bloggers to sever as publicity vehicles it actually seems like a good idea. Really, I like you I wrote this up this morning while winning one of your twitter contests.

What I can’t handle is you apparently thinking that I’m dumb enough not to see the differences. That I’m not smart enough to see that mommy bloggers (not off site reviewers, I’m an offsite reviewer I could never write a review that doesn’t mention a product for half its length and get useful votes) are held to different standards then the rest of us. What I can’t handle is you having the nerve to criticize review that have too many detail and are too clinical about the product, yet voting up a “review” where half of the information has NOTHING to do with the product. You rightful don’t let people vote on their own reviews yet you can vote on your own marketing scheme and have the audacity to act like you are giving an honest unbiased assessment of how useful you find the review to be. What I can’t handle that you accuse people of being cliquish and unwelcoming because we saw through your PR bull.

I can even handle you banning Epiphora her bluntness hurt your bottom line, bottom line is all the matters, I’m an adult I get that. I can handle you announcing it publicly what I can’t hand is you doing it in a needless insulting manner including insinuating that she doesn’t care about the sex toy community at all. You could have given a simple “this is our new PR strategy, we would like your cooperation by” instead of trying to pass marketing as community building. You could have announced Epiphora’s banning in an objective manner instead you needlessly shamed; all under the guise of being positive.

You’re an adult store, a business, it’s nice to pretend you’re all high minded but you’re not and your starting to push willing suspension of disbelief to its limits on this one. So please stop insulting my intelligence by think your marketing speak and logical fallacies are going to work on me. Logical fallacies hmmm… the last time I started listing those was when I learned that some prostitutes do in fact deserve the pejorative of whore. I guess that what I’m asking are you EF staff are you a bunch of prostitute (out for the money, but provides a good honest service, good people, if there was some short of prostitute review program I’d totally join that) or just a whores (see wolf in sheep clothing).

Mkay thanks. I’m going to masturbate to that lovely biporn I got from Good vibrations “the sex shops that treats me like an actual adult” now. O look there’s that Google cam disguised as a cat again.

P.S.: This is not to say that all mommy blogger are bad look here is  a mommy blog: and look I can tell what the product being reviewed is with out having to scroll through half its length also I’m not in actual physical pain. Amazing! But thank you Edenfantasys for showing me the real meaning of useful, I will now call Roger Ebert and ask why his reviews gasp discusses the move for the majority of its length, I mean why doesn’t he spend all that time discussing how great the newspaper is, first ?

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