It might be a reflection on the nature of blogging that the first thing I end up posting on this thing is a story about masturbation (the original first post candidate was a 5 page analyses of Texas v. Lawrence, I swear!). Right now, my life…. is not quite, what it should be. The past few months have been difficult in variety of ways however, the experiences have not been without their benefits. I have learned life is too short, as the cliché goes; I have been spending to much time over-thinking and under experiencing; too much time trying to meet some expectation of what I should be instead of just allowing myself to be.
There is one experience within the turmoil of the preceding mouths, that made this realization take on a sexual context- I spent 3 weeks being basically an anti-porn, anti-sex, anti-male (you know how weird this is when you are a male?) radical feminist. Once I snapped out of it (I plead temporary insanity), I became determined to fully embrace and explore my sexuality. Now it was not as thought I was some sexual naive; Kink.com and I weren’t strangers for example . What changed between then and now however was the shame and guilt I felt about it; I was no longer going to feel guilty because my sexual fantasy did not fit the missionary position model of sexual activity; I was not going to flagellate myself for well…. watching other people be flagellated.
Problem. The same circumstances that lead me to these revelations have also left me with little chance of exploring my sexuality with another human being. However, I had still my (dirty) mind; my hands and a broadband internet connection to work with. I did not see how much I could possible explore with just me and my hands but whatever exploration I could do I was going to do. The determination was in my mind but it had no direction then I read a story about somone’s first buttfuck I finally had a simple idea on how I could push myself out of my own comfort zone. A little lube, a little finger, and a little butthole. Seemed pretty easy; so I went to bed that night ready to test adding anal play to my masturbation routine.
Problem. Now I had lube and a fleshlight I bought them as a birthday present to myself (but again while I somehow summoned the courage to by the thing I been too embarrassed to really use it) but they were not where I remember leaving them. Did I throw them out during the above-mentioned rad-fem phase? (I threw out a lot of porn and such in those three weeks). I did not think I did but I wasn’t in the mood to search out where else I might have left them. I was not putting anything up my ass without lube, I stopped for a monument to note that even that last sentence signaled a different way of thinking then I had before, so the night was not a complete waste. Slightly, disappointed that my plans for the night were ruined I was ready to go to sleep. Then I thought to myself the point was I needed to do something different to breakout my rut to get myself out of my comfort zone to do… something. That was when a grin came across my face, I thought of something nastier then what I was planning, and if wanting to experiment with digital stimulation didn’t suggest I was moving pass our culture’s latent homophobia this definite did. I decided I was going to taste my own cum.
I reached down and started masturbating; there was nothing note worthy, at least at the time, about how I reached my climax. I ejaculated over my hand and stomach. I hesitatingly brought my hand to my mouth *gulp*… hmm… not bad really, it was pretty tasteless; the texture was odd but not unpleasant. I swear I tasted something similar but can’t remember what (and you would think I would remember if I did this little experiment before). Well I had tasted my own semen and lived and was still completely heterosexual to boot. hmm… there was still some splattered across my stomach may as well finish the job. I had to chuckle at myself for a moment as I basically played with the stuff a la the females in so many porn movies until I bought all of it to my mouth and swallowed.
Finished with my experiment I went down stairs and made myself a sandwich. While I was eating it ,noting thankfully that semen did not appear to have an aftertaste, I thought about what I did. The taste of cum certainly wasn’t so disgusting that it was an inherently horrific experience for the receiver I knew that now, but beyond that what good was my little self-tasting going to bring going back upstairs I think I found my answer. I thought about the times I’ve seen women in porn licking cum off floors, tables furniture, each other so on and so for and flipped the scenario around. Picturing that I was the one being made to lick up my own load by some short of harsh mistress… I had my second orgasm of the night and fell asleep thinking to myself:
“I think I just had my first submissive fantasy”
Maybe there was sexual exploration to be done with just my hands, an internet connection and me.