Yesterday, I managed to put myself in an unbelievably bad mood and pretty much wasted the day in a funk. What put me in this mood? I started thinking about the person I used to be, the old me, about the me that desperately tried to follow a book of fairy tales, the wrong me. As I’ve already detailed I used to be a right-wing Roman Catholic nut-job which means I used to hold positions the current me finds abhorrent: anti-gay rights, pro-repression of sexuality, anti-contraception, pro-morality legislation, anti-choice so on and so forth. Thinking that this is who I was makes me feel ill, perhaps more than it should.
I’ve actually sat and thought about if the former me had left any impact on this world. I can say thankfully that it likely did not. All the message boards I was a part of then either have gone belly-up or have had massive crashes erasing all evidence of my former self. Given I was usually in the presence of bigger but admittedly more articulate nut jobs on those forums it’s unlikely my presence in those discussions managed to change anyone’s views that wouldn’t have been changed without my presence. Thinking to the time I spent trying to convert people to Christianity, I can again say with relief that I was unsuccessful in such endeavors (in fact I am pretty sure some of the people I knew fucked extra just to spite me).
Most of my direct involvement in religious group was also largely benign as well; just the usual help the needy type of stuff. I managed to avoid getting directly involved with most of the movements I cited above. My wallet also remained shut during that time. I’m pretty bad at supporting causes I believe in monetarily, for once I can say this turned about to be a good thing. However, I know that was by chance not by choice if I had more time, money, power, I would have supported those causes, and that scares me.
I wish I could say it was just naivety that I did not know better; but part of me did. I ran to religion because it provided easy answers. I wish I could say I wouldn’t do such a thing again, but I have. I was briefly part of another warped belief structure, radical feminism. The rad-fem phase only lasted weeks while the Roman Catholic phase lasted years, but they share the same beginnings. I confronted with data I didn’t know how to handle, took refuge in the easy answers. Even now living with my parents, I’m still not completely innocent as I put on an act for those around me. It frightens me that I someone who supposed to be scientific, who is supposed to seek the truth could so easily run from it. Negative self-discovery much, chaos?
When these thoughts take over me, I start thinking about my life, about my sexuality. I start thinking that if I’m doomed to live a life of perpetual sexual frustration then that is perhaps what I deserve. Karmic justice for the person I used to me. (Part of me is afraid to post this; because I fear the second the new blog post message hits twitter I’ll suddenly lose the meager amount of flowers I’ve managed to obtain) Not the most rational belief, especially considering the only damaged I did appears to be my own self-inflicted wounds, but I can’t deny it is there.
Thinking of all this I can’t help but feel the need to apologize. I’m not sure to who. Perhaps to myself and the person I could have been had I not wasted so much time living my life by someone else rules. To all those who had to deal with the person I used to be:
I was wrong…I’m sorry.
You know how I said above that I’ve always been bad about support causes I believe in with money? Last night I became a little bit better at it I made an online donation (first online donation I can remember making to anything) to the National Abortion Federation Rachel Falls Patient Assistance Fund; an act of penitence for who I was(1). I have also added links to pro-choice organizations to my blogroll. Why abortion rights? You may ask, I will post the story eventually but the issue of abortion is what triggered my separation from organized religion. Yet, even this feels insufficient I’m left this again thinking:
I was wrong…I’m sorry…
- Also, depending how you define “direct finical support” I’ve just bought myself an automatic excommunication. Yay! [↩]