You know the phrase “It was a blessing in disguise”? Over the last few months exploring my sexuality has made me, at least partially, appreciate this statement. As I have mentioned before, the amount of responsibility I currently have in my life precluded me from exploring my sexuality the way I would ideally want, this would be the sexual curse that the blessing has been hiding inside of. Indeed, my decision to create this blog was at least in part an act of desperation. A means of trying to explore my sexuality even as circumstances conspire against me. As challenging as having your sexual awakening occur at the must inopportune time possible has been, if I could go back and change things I don’t think I would. These circumstances made me walk down a road I probably would not have otherwise and has likewise lead to sexual discoveries I may not have otherwise made.
To illustrate, my decision to experiment with anal play triggered a rather amazing chain reaction. Anal play in it of itself is an incredible physical sensation but the psychological aspect, the idea of being able to receive pleasure both by penetrating and by being the penetrated was a realization that has gone a long way in helping me realize how wrong society’s limited, narrow view of sex and sexuality is. It did not end there, it directly lead to two more major sexual discovers. The first, male non-ejaculatory multiple orgasms; to do something you once thought physically impossible! Realizations don’t get much more intense than that. The second, that sex toys, as the implements that lead to these discoveries, are fucking awesome!
Would any of these things have happened if I could explored things the way I wanted to(1)? Would I have been so willing to look past society’s sexuality negativity and homophobia, if I wasn’t desperate to find some way, anyway, to explore my sexuality under these circumstances? Would I have actually put down money for sex toys if my situation were more conducive to finding a flesh and blood partner? Would I ,a person who never before considered blogging of any short, have created a sex blog if it didn’t seem at the time like the only way to keep the spark of my own sexuality from being extinguished?
So I think you can see why I’ve come to appreciate the old adage. However, why do I say I only partially appreciate it? The way the saying is worded “it was a blessing” is a passive way of looking at it. One that implies one should just sit back and wait for the blessing to present itself in the middle whatever hardship or misfortune the quote is referencing. Instead, I phrased it slightly different “finding the blessing”. It took a great deal of mental effort to push myself out of my comfort zone and take a chance. Circumstance may have influenced the how, but I still had to make the choice to search for the light amidst the darkness, to seek out that proverbial silver lining. I’m reminded of this quote from my first ever blog post:
I did not see how much I could possible explore with just me and my hands but whatever exploration I could do I was going to do.
No, the blessing didn’t merely arrive to me oddly packaged, I had to actively search for the unseen benefits of my predicament.
To conclude I’m reminded of another saying “If you can’t fly, run. If you can’t run, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl, but by all means keep moving.” . Here the sexual (per)version of those sentiments:
“If you can’t fuck as much as you want, fuck as much as you can. If you can’t fuck, masturbate. If you can’t masturbate, fantasize. The important thing is you keep moving forward.”
- by finding a playmate [↩]