As I have already mentioned I’m the primary caregiver for my elderly father and as is the main point of this blog I also happen to be going through a sexual awakening. As you might have guessed that second event could not have occurred at a worse time. This will be the first of what is likely to be several posts detailing the challenges of balancing the two.
Despite all the challenges in my life, I have still managed to have many sexual revelations and I treasure every one of them. However, there is one thing I’m deathly afraid of regarding my sexual exploration. Let us be brutally honest my father is not long for this Earth. Clearly, the inevitable period of grief and mourning that will follow is not going to be a very sexual point in my life. What frightens me is a part of me is afraid that when that happens it will cause me to regress, to forget everything I’ve learned since my sexual exploration started. At its worse I fear that I somehow in a moment of grief and desperation I will end up returning to the same twisted belief structure (Roman Catholicism) that made me so repressed in the first place, a belief structure so twisted the remnant influence of it continued to repress my sexuality even after I had intellectually rejected it.
Although, I am still new at it I like blogging and plan to continue doing it. Thinking about this fear however made me want to continue blogging even more. I realized that by putting my sexual accounts, thoughts, explorations, and intentions out here for the world to see I’ve created a method for holding my post-mourning self accountable to my pre-mourning self. This blog might not just be the chronicle of my journey down the road of sexual exploration, one day it might become the beacon that helps keep me on it.
To that end let me give my post-mourning self something to be accountable for. Most of the things here are things that would require me to be in a sexual mood to be able to post them. However, I’m planning a series of posts I call the Sex Sui Generis the silly, illogical rules society places on sexuality (especially those imposed by the extreme Christian right, my former Roman Catholic faith for example). Since this is intellectual recounts and analysis, I could get back to doing those as easily as I could any other intellectual activity. I hope that by preparing myself for the inevitable like this I can keep myself on track in life sexually and otherwise.
In a neat coincidence, Disturbed’s The Curse popped up on the playlist as I was typing this. I think some of the lyrics fit what is going through my mind right now about this and life in general:
I’ve held on too long just to let it go now.
Will my inner strength get me through it somehow?
Defying the curse that has taken hold.
Never surrender, I’ll never be overcome.